A Lil Extra

Identity Crisis

Two years ago, I went through an identity crisis. I had just graduated from grad school and I was trying to figure out who I was as an independent adult. I went straight through undergrad to grad school, so at that point I had been a student going to school all my life. I didn’t know who I was without school. On top of that, I had just started my first full-time job in a new city in a new state. What a time to start fresh.

I am once again going through an identity crisis. Someone has my name, the name of this space, and now it no longer feels like my own. I’m not sure how it took me this long to find this out. I googled for five whole minutes and found nothing, but I should have done more research.

I found the real itslitbooks.com through my Instagram suggestions. They are definitely more established, and they were here first. Who was I kidding? How did I think “it’s lit” was soooo original. I have seen it on merchandise, but I didn’t see another site with my whole NAME. I thought This is Lit was the closest. It just feels like everything I want to do has already been done. I feel too ordinary, unoriginal.

I feel stupid. Stupid for not thinking about this earlier and stupid for not knowing what to do next. I feel like there is no point of continuing this project if I can’t even be original in my own identity. Who I am and what I want has become so muddled. I want to give up. My heart is a tank in my chest. I’m so down.

I have no idea how to even try and start recreating a new identity. I feel like I don’t even know what direction I should go in. I probably should seek professional help (for web design, like I should have done in the first place. I’m already seeking other kinds of professional help), but this was my passion project. I wanted to say I built everything on my own from scratch. And because this is my passion project, I don’t have a lot of money to put into it right now. I can’t even afford the courses that will teach me.

I have three options:

  1. I can go all in and invest in my passion and put in the resources it deserves
  2. I can just keep operating business as usual. I mean, I’ve already gone a year and it has been fine.
  3. I can just give up completely and accept that I don’t have what it takes.

Option 3 seems like the easiest option and option 1 doesn’t even seem like a real option at all. I feel stuck.

Maybe I just need to take a step back in order to move forward. I think it’s still early enough to make a change and forge my own path. I just got to keep going. Giving up is no longer an option.

I’m going to take a second to pause and recenter myself. Maybe I can reassemble something better from these broken pieces. I’m thinking about slightly different content, but the same vibe you know and love. I’ll carve out my place.

Stay tuned and thanks for riding with me 💛

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