I had thoughts about quitting my blog. It’s been almost eight months and it’s nowhere near what I want it to be. I feel as if I failed. I’m not a good writer. I don’t feel like I have what it takes.
I know the point is not validation or fame. The point was me having a space to be vulnerable and get better at writing.
My life has gotten significantly weirder lately, and I just don’t know if I have time. This is an excuse. I have been trying to write every day, and so far, I’m doing pretty well with that. Or at least within the first 4 months of 2020, I have written more than I have not written.
I keep having to revisit the purpose of this blog, and sometimes it’s not enough to keep me going. Sometimes I just get so sad, like I don’t deserve to have this platform or use my voice. Sometimes it feels like uselessly yelling into the void. Putting myself out on the internet has made me feel weirdly isolated. I can barely get my friends to read my posts.
I know I wrote a post before about always finding the light in these dark posts, but I don’t foresee one coming in this one. Sometimes the darkness is too great, but that’s ok. We don’t always have to be in a space to cheer up or feel positive. I have my optimist moments, but this ain’t it.
And I could just contribute this to my general feelings today of being so overwhelmed that I just want to shut down and do nothing, as I often feel. There’s a lot on my plate right now.
This is totally counterintuitive of what I think people want to read, but I don’t care about what you want to read right now. In this moment, I need to be raw and real. I said I wanted to be vulnerable, right?
One day I could look back on this and laugh and tell this as part of my success story. Or I could look back and cringe at how open I was to the internet (like my first attempt at a blog in 2012, thank god not a lot of people saw).
For now, I’m just gonna be sad and in my feelings. I’ll be ok tomorrow.
Because there’s always tomorrow 😉