I never thought staying inside and doing nothing would cause me to feel so much pressure.
I love being home. I’m a Cancer sun and an introvert, so I love being home. I get so disappointed when I have a weekend go by and there isn’t at least one day where I don’t leave my house. My selfie in my bed is in the dictionary entry of homebody.
Now that we have to stay home, I don’t feel as content. Not because I want to go out and infect people with my germs for the sake of not being bored, but because there is no longer structure in my day. And routines and habits are my next great love after staying home.
Working from home has been great in the sense that I don’t have to wake up before sunrise, rush trying to find an outfit because I didn’t pick out my clothes the night before, sit in traffic for 45 minutes, and then walk 15 minutes uphill from my parking space. I just wake up, brush my teeth, and get back in bed to work on my laptop. This is the life!
But now it’s more difficult for me to mentally separate being at work, from volunteer responsibilities, from family time, from working on this blog and writing in general. I’m home all day, but I feel like I have even less time for myself, especially because I am constantly with my family. Remember I said I was an introvert? Yeah, still no time for myself.
Now that everything is bleeding together, I feel like I don’t show enough attentention to each individual thing. Well, except family because they are just an ever-present force and seem to want to dominate all my time. My balance is tipped way off right now.
It doesn’t help that I am inundated by social media about what everyone is reading and what everyone is accomplishing during their time. Or all the complaints of having to make stuff up to do to stay entertained. I feel like I’m doing this social distancing thing wrong (even though doing it wrong means leaving the house like so many people seem to do and that’s why we gotta be in the house longer!).
My productivity is fine for work. For the most part, I get space to work during the day and I get all my work done. I just wish I didn’t have so many freaking Zoom and Microsoft Teams meetings all day, every day. I counted the remote meetings I’ve had since working from home for the last 3 weeks. It’s an astounding 32. 32!
It’s this project (and reading) that’s causing the chest tightness I feel. I don’t write. I don’t read. I don’t manage my social media (by the way y’all all should follow my social media if I can get time to get the links right!). Everything feels like it’s falling apart. I worked too damned hard on this project to let a little global pandemic end it all. My insightful and profound rambling is such an important contribution to society!
I just love this project so much that I don’t want to see it die. It has done wonders for my confidence and vulnerability as a writer. I am so grateful for the few people I reach on here and I don’t tell y’all that enough.
For those of you who feel like they need to be productive during these strange times, this is the least of your concerns. Let’s give ourselves permission to give ourselves grace because as one of my collegues told us in one of my 5000 Zoom meetings, “This shit ain’t real” (as in this shit ain’t normal, the virus is very real and serious and we should all stay inside).
Usually I end my posts with a song, but here is a reading from Samuel L. Jackson reading Stay the F*ck Home (video is uncensored)