The other morning, I woke up sinfully early, anxious at all of the things I had to. It’s a Saturday and there is nothing too pressing to prevent me from getting coveted sleep. My brain had different plans.
Isn’t it funny how we think of ourselves separate from our brain and our hearts and our bodies? It’s like there are four of us in one being. Who is the fourth? The soul?
I decided to go on a run that day to clear my mind. It was a great run, until I realized my ID wasn’t in my phone wallet. I scoured the path in search of the ID, a panic attack brewing closer to the surface.
When I got about halfway back to my car, I realized it was nowhere on this path. I had to stop and had a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the street. My brain went off.
Why are you so stupid?
What’s wrong with you?
You’re so irresponsible.
You’re so weak, crying and having a panic attack in the street like this.
You piece of shit.
You don’t deserve good things.
Finding my breath again, I realized how awful the way I was talking to myself was. My coworkers and I have an inside joke about whenever someone talks bad about themselves. “Don’t talk to my friend that way!” Because would you talk to your friends that way?
I wouldn’t have said those things to any of my friends, not even during an argument. Why did I think it was ok to talk to myself that way?
I am terrible at the art of letting go; it’s definitely an opportunity for growth for me. When I envisioned my ID falling down one of the sewer grate things (lol they’re called storm drains), that’s when I was able to just let it go. I felt free.
When I got back to my card, my ID was in the cupholder. I started laughing hysterically at the fact that I had a panic attack over something that was never lost. I can only imagine all of the things I would be capable of if I stopped wasting energy on the things that are not lost, if we stopped wasting energy on things that are not lost.